yesterday was a crisis for me, after several days i lingered on pc late after 10 am. the grandma and my baby's mother both brewing a lot of complains and long jaw to me. i had to review the possiblity of returning to dormitory to spend my rest of life there. i hated it but i know with God's guide i have no fear. in the office i dozed all the morning and most of the afternoon, just to be ready for changes in dream. my baby welcomed me at noon with a big beam, and let me play game "panzer killer" with him after working time just after i returned home. his mother avoid facing me directly by haunting the supermarket and bought baby food, and returned home later than almost an hour to get after sight over the result of brewing conflicts between the grandma and me.the grandma at a loss and washed lately in the night. at dinner i failed to open a fish can and she shown her manish skill to open it. she just want to feed her daughter's all needs and kept all thing at her reach, against her lapsing years as being an aged woman. her want to grasp the life in her scope under her rein forever, just to prove her poor abilty to close the incompleteness of her body and soul. at noon her partner lived for more than 10 years and more together, a former cadre who's best achievement was ruin the working unit he charged by bankrupt and lost all his looting in his private small business and then went to his hometown to feed cow, haunted my baby's mother's home, with his lameness. i saw insanity over them but can't prove it to my baby and ema, who was just too canny and a shrew, inherited from the shabby dark ancestry.
all of time they just let me deeper in connection with my fate and my appealing for God. i felt alien here and there and in my life on the earth so far. my most beloved father, left me without a sight or note, left me even urgenter will to see the end of the tunnel.
i love my baby, in his growing up i see the Godness. i lived for the growing appealing for a brighter future of China, for a glorier world in attest of God's deed.
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