cloudy days

these days i dozed a lot in office, esp. in the morning. sometimes most of the morning sleeping sitting on chair. i gradually gave up defense against sleepiness, i even wondered dream was God's bless for people imperiled. after sleep, esp. after enough sleep i felt peaceful and acute in mind. previously sometimes i doubted in the belief that if i sleep exaggerate then the beloved of mine will suffer sleeplessness. but now i gradually entreat my cares and anxiousness to God, God in my home and nearby me, i felt i should concentrate on my own task here on the earth and do it hard. last time before i fell into asylum, i mainly can't afford the missing of the girl i loved, and my dearest baby whose suffering in my live imaginary broke my heart likes the last straw on the horse. i love my baby more than i can say. i know he was endorsed with God, all his being on the earth were perfect. but yet i felt i can't see the evil around him and had to try to extend my protect rid him of dirt and insanity. we live now in a insane family, whose members mostly in dark of hatred and abnormal. they live in years in shadow and shrew and sins. even ema, my baby's mother, can't stand in shine. she live in deep dark and shut up for hope of baptism. i don't know why my baby born in this strange family, where i was cheated and suffered so far. baby, my baby, i know u r God himself. i know u judge and continue to judge. let evil to hell and bright to shrine. God, i know my baby son, my dearest under ur cares and intact in any animosity and imperiled environment. he rise to finish the task of starting our dynasty of 1109 years and hell the evils. God, i m not crying for u help, i know u let me utter here my anxiousness and glorify the process of your son's rising on this scarred silent land.

this noon when i arrived home, baby cried miserably in the arms of the grandma. he refused my open arms to hold him. i know the evil woman was hell dirty, i know only God cares and protects u now when ur mother and i absent. ema, ur mother, refused my suggestion to care u more in work time, she just too jealous and doomed to suffer losing now and then and forever.

God, show me ur shine and let me live in peace with my task here. i live with my baby and God in him. let he beam and shrined, like morning star on the sky untouchable.

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