these days lost energy to keep agile on web, after my office pc finally got internet access via open proxies among enterprise lan. i slept a lot in office, now that reading didn't attracted me as usual. ema these days gave me long face, and often brought baby sleeping earlier than when i went to bed. last night i also felt lonely and can't find anything interesting to engage with. then i buzzed to talk with my old mother in my hometown. then i picked a game in title of "American girl: mia goes for great", now that playing game casually is my long time dream. before that just after working time, baby son asked to play game "panzer killer", a tank fighting game, and refused to let me have dinner first. i refused and he cried a lot and ema got burst out after found can't calm baby down. baby crawled on the floor on knees first toward me then to his mother who rest on bed for anger and reconciled with his mother. even i felt baby's crawling was humiliating himself and ema's anger was improper, but i can't do more in it. ema long time threaten me to drive me leaving home and live in the dorm of my long time employer, QRRS, an old style state-owned enterprise. i fought twenty years and more to make a living but still can't buy myself a apartment and homeless when i was near to my forties. that's China peasants' offspring's fate in cities.
last night after enjoyed, really enjoyed, the game and went to bed, i in dream reviewed my actions when i was drove to near mad the year before last year in the dorm of QRRS and felt i was right under God's care and nothing more nature than what i did in that time space. i felt God's logic, as i several times sensed. i also retrospected my grand father's life and his response to the life's challenge, no matter harsh or harmony or peace. i m sure i was appealing for God's care.
life no more straight as previously, i m more or less ready for it, but still i hope for the better way from options. i love my baby and loved to live with him, but if someone want to deprive the privilege from me, just took away. i in no way be outside of God's calling, and God's taking care of my baby son as what i would rather do. i in fear of nothing.
yes, God, lead me on ur way home.
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