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Friday, April 18, 2008

bright day, turning windy and pale sunshine afte

i still dozed a lot in office in the morning. last night ema told me she brought baby visited doctor, and was told likely baby's heart has some problem. my direct response was it can't be and i blamed her too fussy about baby's health. she retorted its none of my business. then i launched to operate on pc and my broking heart love for my baby, esp. in the view of cherished his countable time on earth let me sorry. i visited him who playing with his mother and felt we couples love him the same. then i doubting if we should not treating baby liking he was short of something comparing with other kids in the world. and i felt enough of ema's over-protect baby, just to show her tendering. i love baby strong and independent, cute and robust. i don't like to see his demanding other's companion, esp. his mother. but ema glad to drive him to ask for her cares. cares to his every cough with fussy padding, and every changes of body temperature with all kinds of medicines. too much fussy just to show her fragile cares. i would like to see baby silent and independent, enduring and sound.

this noon i returned home and found the grandma didn't cook as usual. i waited awhile then buzzed ema. she was with baby in another hospital, likely brought baby into medical check. i then left to office. on the way she buzzed but i can't listen clearly what she intends to do. after lunch in a nearby restaurant of the dorm i returned to office and buzzed her again and this time she had left baby in the kindergarten and returning to her working school. later when i writing this she buzzed me again and discuss the situation we faced.

i never believed my baby has any physical problem. he was just so perfect, so shiny under God's glow. if any problem calling him, that's from God's. God, let me take ur way and show me the peace of life of my family. i endured and took vow of loving the world u builds.

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Wednesday, April 16, 2008

bright day

these days lost energy to keep agile on web, after my office pc finally got internet access via open proxies among enterprise lan. i slept a lot in office, now that reading didn't attracted me as usual. ema these days gave me long face, and often brought baby sleeping earlier than when i went to bed. last night i also felt lonely and can't find anything interesting to engage with. then i buzzed to talk with my old mother in my hometown. then i picked a game in title of "American girl: mia goes for great", now that playing game casually is my long time dream. before that just after working time, baby son asked to play game "panzer killer", a tank fighting game, and refused to let me have dinner first. i refused and he cried a lot and ema got burst out after found can't calm baby down. baby crawled on the floor on knees first toward me then to his mother who rest on bed for anger and reconciled with his mother. even i felt baby's crawling was humiliating himself and ema's anger was improper, but i can't do more in it. ema long time threaten me to drive me leaving home and live in the dorm of my long time employer, QRRS, an old style state-owned enterprise. i fought twenty years and more to make a living but still can't buy myself a apartment and homeless when i was near to my forties. that's China peasants' offspring's fate in cities.

last night after enjoyed, really enjoyed, the game and went to bed, i in dream reviewed my actions when i was drove to near mad the year before last year in the dorm of QRRS and felt i was right under God's care and nothing more nature than what i did in that time space. i felt God's logic, as i several times sensed. i also retrospected my grand father's life and his response to the life's challenge, no matter harsh or harmony or peace. i m sure i was appealing for God's care.

life no more straight as previously, i m more or less ready for it, but still i hope for the better way from options. i love my baby and loved to live with him, but if someone want to deprive the privilege from me, just took away. i in no way be outside of God's calling, and God's taking care of my baby son as what i would rather do. i in fear of nothing.

yes, God, lead me on ur way home.

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Monday, April 14, 2008

diluted sunshine

these days busy with accustom with new online all day's life. the China surveillance tighten its rein and quite some websites, like blogspot, googlepages, utterz, now inaccessible. the days turned windy and pale in the sky. i almost all time in the weekend lingered in house. ema bring our baby son with her mother visited her cousin's wedding ceremony, with a tour of several hours' train route. i busy with downloading games from peer networks. the ftp server of 0day stuff now heavily being lagged, likely rule-filtered, from previously 30-50KB per second dropped dramatically to 2 or 4 KB per second. web surfing also frequently being reset and returned blank page or err page.

in the morning of the first work day, the girl graduate, now my new colleague, told me her internet granted ip was deprived and her pc can't serve me proxy. i was not astonished, for i know my any activities under the monitoring of the dictator's dog, the police. the girl was naive and tried to let her bf, who worked in the human resource dep. of the enterprise, to offer proxy service for us. but all the morning we all can't figure out why the proxy software on the young man's pc don't work. i searched the lan with wares and found lots of proxies available and quite some were open access. so i adopted some and enjoyed surfing, even in the afternoon quite err pages and redirecting occurred. the girl's pc almost all the day refused of internet access.

i know any convenience i can enjoy will bring surveillance and trouble to the offerer. but the hidden rule is that the authority, the cop, don't tell what's happening on me, nor telling people in real kindness i connected with. they control the people who want to partake a privilege from its loot of the stolen state power and let them mute to their brutality and humility of human right and separate from each other while on the other side they r the same people.

i love my life so far, even dog shits all over. i more enduring to look forward to the change to come, on this silent and scarred land.

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