cloudy days

these days i dozed a lot in office, esp. in the morning. sometimes most of the morning sleeping sitting on chair. i gradually gave up defense against sleepiness, i even wondered dream was God's bless for people imperiled. after sleep, esp. after enough sleep i felt peaceful and acute in mind. previously sometimes i doubted in the belief that if i sleep exaggerate then the beloved of mine will suffer sleeplessness. but now i gradually entreat my cares and anxiousness to God, God in my home and nearby me, i felt i should concentrate on my own task here on the earth and do it hard. last time before i fell into asylum, i mainly can't afford the missing of the girl i loved, and my dearest baby whose suffering in my live imaginary broke my heart likes the last straw on the horse. i love my baby more than i can say. i know he was endorsed with God, all his being on the earth were perfect. but yet i felt i can't see the evil around him and had to try to extend my protect rid him of dirt and insanity. we live now in a insane family, whose members mostly in dark of hatred and abnormal. they live in years in shadow and shrew and sins. even ema, my baby's mother, can't stand in shine. she live in deep dark and shut up for hope of baptism. i don't know why my baby born in this strange family, where i was cheated and suffered so far. baby, my baby, i know u r God himself. i know u judge and continue to judge. let evil to hell and bright to shrine. God, i know my baby son, my dearest under ur cares and intact in any animosity and imperiled environment. he rise to finish the task of starting our dynasty of 1109 years and hell the evils. God, i m not crying for u help, i know u let me utter here my anxiousness and glorify the process of your son's rising on this scarred silent land.

this noon when i arrived home, baby cried miserably in the arms of the grandma. he refused my open arms to hold him. i know the evil woman was hell dirty, i know only God cares and protects u now when ur mother and i absent. ema, ur mother, refused my suggestion to care u more in work time, she just too jealous and doomed to suffer losing now and then and forever.

God, show me ur shine and let me live in peace with my task here. i live with my baby and God in him. let he beam and shrined, like morning star on the sky untouchable.

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benzillar's blogroll 06/04/2008

• beinzh, burning people in destructive nation

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benzillar's blogroll 06/03/2008

• Twitterholic : Stats for benzrad (benzillar)

  tags: twitter, stats, benzillar, twitterholic

rain days

these days rains frequented. sometimes sunshine appears but weak. i previously worried about my sleep but now the worry totally disappeared, for i slept long and sound in the night and even sleepy in the day time. i tried to keep up attentions upon animosity but gradually i let go quite some of them. sometimes i really don't know what i m to defense and why i had to be clear sight to dissect the hidden enemies. the option let me tired and last afternoon i slept on bed for additional 3 or more hours. i these days cautious about dozing, but sometimes i forgave it and let the power of sleeping controlled me.

last dusk i accompany baby and his mother haunted the southern park near ema's house. its my first time went there since i returned from my home town for disorder in behavior, which had been more than half of a year passed. baby played in the mini play yard and quite some baby and their parents there. i do what i may to protect my baby and he played glad. on the way home baby asked for buying food and that let ema lost her temper. she just too like her mother, each time claimed the rightful things and got a favorite position to scorn others. i told baby when we r alone that them liked to be the Emperor and stayed to be the only one that asserts. they frequently suggested or commanded something in advance just to show their righteousness and frustrate other minds independent. they in fact the dog of their master.

rains in these days let me sometimes felt cold. i also lost the energy to keep abreast the task scheduled. i may be in wade. but i had to sit and see. a lot of important things i care ahead and i need tactics to overcome the shortage of current vitality under depression. i need time to rectify the reality of thought flashed into my mind. i had to watch and learn. i don't short of anything that i can't judge an evil or a goodness. i just need to learn by my own.

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