in solemn confidence.

Mar 11, 2018

Dreamt in class where my once junior middle school language teacher offering his lecture. While his speech too boring I cheated to cover my reading my own material. When he stepped down to check our listening, my heart beat heavier. But fortunately he didn’t found under my text book there was another book I hid my pleasure. I felt shameless the middle aged male teacher demands students so much to catch his lesson up while his teaching so boring and meaningless. This week half waiting my alumnus’ aid which never happened to buy my own another chromebox. I previously planned to equip my son a new convertible chromebook, but on Wednesday I was attracted by chromebox which cheaper and its ethernet interface card more powerful than a wireless card. I was inspired by the idea and pains brewing me in wanting upon which I knew on my own I can’t realize. So I resorted to my senior middle school alumni for fundraising 2000 CNY. One of them once the best scored and enrolled by most privileged PRC university, Beijing Univ, and visited my campus in Tianjin and slept my bed, to whom a year ago I entreated for aiding me to flying to visit my kid brother in southern China and got his ambiguous refusal. So this time I thought there was still cherished memories in our friendship, and his job likely earns much more than mine, for his major is international law or economics and worked in stock market after graduate. But this time, 1000 CNY as I expected solely, he again refused me and blacklist me without any word exchange, after my 4 sms and 3 buzzes sinked. I didn't bother contacting any other alumni after the denial. In the day after International Women Day, a snow continued after days break in my clueless reaching out. I still didn’t understand after looking into why someone put money before friendship and moral kindness. Is PRC economy turns harsher day by day for the once academic leader turned so mean? Or my enviable cyberspace harvest in a decade's blogging as well as holy missionary under God’s shine turns the wellbeing alumnus hatred and bitter to turn his back indecently to me? After the refusal I busy yesterday all day on my raspberry pi, preparing it more liable and useful. God sharpen my sight that my workspace already spacious and reliable, after all attempts constraining. In this dawn I felt hard to sleep, and bliss ahead so thick. So I got up before 6am to blog, for today would be a blessing exciting day with my son, woz, in our busy agenda learning and studying.
Dad God, in your holy guide I got to know weakness among highly succeeded people include my alumni. Guard me to steer through wasteland in PRC where cheap souls compete to extinguish heroism. Bring me sooner my Royal China, bring me my Crown Queen from Japan, Asoh Yukiko for clearer vision in eastern Asia landscape. Grant us happy weekend reuniting as usual.

Mar 6, 2018

dreamt my publishing career gets happy ending: my novel published or my literature awarded. my passed mother accompanied me to return to my hometown, where new houses building. quite some villagers congratulated me while myself also enjoy my success: my narrative style studied by scholar and critic. This is a sunny morning. I still feel not prepared to utter anything. Last week is interesting: I first time settle up arch linux, whose heavy command based renew my experience of Microsoft dos decades ago. Linux really amazing! And by chance we also experienced raspbian, another wonderful linux distribution. Both speedy on our raspberry pi 3, which turns into a full functional pc from educational toy. I really enjoy the gadget. Arch linux so impressive that I decided to install it after my old chromebook’s EOL met. This breakfast is satisfying, while the operative man frequently coughed and spit during serving let me anxious his illness infectious. His wife promised to wash my clothes but likely now the task shifted to a mid aged woman works there. They kept my dirty clothes for 3 weeks there intact. And yesterday the woman washing claimed she brought my clothes home to wash, not within the dorm nor its canteen. So they cheat me, and let my clothes more vulnerable to virus, privacy more looser. God dad, this week my alipay credit debt amounts to near 700 CNY, help me in these 2 months, whose income usually inclines lower due to corporate earning less after lazy lunar holiday. Dad God, time turns much harder to kill in my aging, my life more miserable in waiting, waiting for gathering, waiting for glories, even waiting for a better meal with my son. Bring me sooner my Royal China, bring me sooner my Crown Queen from Japan, Asoh Yukiko, to accomplish my earth life. Grant us another child, whose cyberspace I preparing since last year, billingzhu.com. Thx dad God.

Mar 1, 2018

dreamt doubting printing technology, how woodblock picture prints color accurately represented by oil. then through a magic hole, I entered a legendary world where I turned from tiny figure to a hero with sword to revenge. he refused help but judge by his own to murder his historical enemies. I was astonished by dangers and thrills in the master protagonist encountered in his brave world. Lunar 2018 first snow lasted 2 days. This morning when I went to dorm canteen for breakfast, its cover much thicker than yesterday. Quite some dorm administrative women outdoor cleaning road. Its so beautiful! And my breakfast is satisfying, esp sugar pie served first time after spring festival holiday. The day before yesterday, I worked continuously near 40 hours to rebuild portable workspace on my ssd and raspberry pi. After successfully got new oses ready and backups sound, I slept in chair when watching episode which lagging due to internet under PRC surveillance. In the night I slept sound, till next noon I got up directly to canteen for lunch. PRC tyrant attempted to rewrite rubber constitution to pave for his life time dictation, which arouse large scale debate among Chinese as well as world stage. Chinese people usually begging their living tiny space, not much social storm. But the communist tyrant wanted to humiliate Chinese now that the rubber constitution didn’t ban unconditional ruling power, as ghost communism put into fake republic leader. Chinese is a tribe that respects their interface. But their harmonious face torn by shameless power stealth tyrant now dominating the stage, who also challenges all PRC citizen with its death or wealth for last bet. Chinese in long brutal conflicts with nomad and historic lessons taught them not to expect government to good behaves but this time its fate again put in attest, God or Godless, Jesus or their folk pantheon. Review last decade’s poor western China gang’s public show on PRC lawless cheap square, I felt much sure that holy spirit leaves me prepared for monkey mimics carnival for superficial glory. Their social achievement and economic robbery turning PRC a hell of prey and nightmare of smash of minimal, failing most sinful Chinese indifferent of their outer space but their tiny live sphere, bloodless hatch and hopeless survivor.
God, dad, its a sunny morning now. Yesterday I talked with my son online for arrangement of last dining out celebrating the end of spring festival. Bring me sooner my Royal China, and my Crown Queen from Japan, Asoh Yukiko, for the rest of my earth life. Bring me with my son new study of arch linux and new ultra convertible chromebook. Grant us a smooth year for steady growth, and larger web of world democracy of sustainable.

Feb 21, 2018

First dreamt of my university alumni, Wenxiong, who recently has been a bureaucracy in his hometown province, Hunan. Then I brought my son following someone in night street. My son asked for snack then slept in my arms. I felt so sweet and full of live meanings with him. Then dream we in a wedding ceremony team moving to some places, half way we passed a relatives’ village where 2 cousin girls debated with me in English and trying attracting me or condemned my keeping single so far. Their kindness left me relaxed. This is lunar new year 6th day. Still there are firecrackers explode in air, far away. Yesterday I felt hungry after 2 box of instant noodles my younger brother sent me, so I lately around 5pm ate some rices & dumplings in nearby restaurant and felt satisfied. Tomorrow I will brought my son dine out buffet, where I hope I can eat more. The dorm administrative woman said QRRS will resume to work on next Monday, while national holiday arrangement online claims tomorrow will be workday. My younger brother buzzed me dusk before eve of lunar new year when I jogging and missed his call. When I called back twice, he refuted it. He is posing to ignore me to feed his ego. All my old family, ie, my elder siblings, called by me once before lunar new year. None of them call back. In the lunar holiday I didn’t feel lonely, but enjoy quite sometimes solitude and joyful bountiful of time space. Internet in those days especially stable and usually I let podcast playing all day long. USA gun control debate after massive school shooting arouse students protest didn’t bother me. I saw many familiarity between Chinese 8964 event and what’s on US. Young lives and social motivation on large scale don’t move me much. I more confident in God’s bliss, which more making sense in believing life, from naive souls. God, dad, these days starving left me more close to Christian calendar, and world in crisis of food and water, and separation they bring about with hatred and murders. In this view I am ready for selective survival, out of brutality and cleanse large scale among human cattle. Dad God, bring me sooner my Royal China in better world under Christian, bring my Crown Queen from Japan, Asoh Yukiko, for life sustainable and gracious.